fuck....19

ok. 19. ok. last year of my teens. people will be expecting you to start acting more maturely. at 18, there are still allowance for mistakes. 19. less mistakes are wanted.

u might think that at my age (19 or 18) i might be carefree and stuff like that, well, i am really afraid. afraid of aging, death, menoplause, wrinkles. sigh. i fear aging and death. ok. its totally not like me right. thinking about it now really freaks me out. i lost sleep for days juz thinking about death. why? fearing that i might just go in my sleep. haha. how foolish of me. well, its true that people just die falling asleep. though its rather peaceful, i still am scared. i have so many things to do. i wanna have sex, get pregnant, fall in love over again and again; wake up to my guy next to me, complain to him about the little things in life until he gets pissed, able to see my kids go to school, talk back to Mr. Tan(have to be proper) before i graduate, build my career, get my revenge to big fuck and tommy, etc.

too many. too much. yes. 19. damn. 19. shit. 19. no presents. 19. no wishes from ... . 19. fuck. 19.

i don't want to grow old. i want to be a kid. i have given up adding ages to make myself feel young. it doesn't work any more.

i admit it. i don't have many real friends. no body thinks of my as a pal. haha. been living in self denial for years. there might be one or two. i think that's all. yup! that's all on my list. the rest either want some thing from me or they just want another person to grow their frienster list.

so i guess its going to be a rather quiet birthday for me this year.